For the 7 months I was on a dating hiatus in order to honor the urge in my bones to connect with and heal myself. Not to mention the fact that I’m studying to be a Tantra sex and relationship coach and that shit takes time a lot of energy.
But in June I decided to begin putting myself back out into the wilderness of online dating. I tip toed through the trecherous fields of one word messages and waded through fire and heart eye emojis until I found a few connections that seemed worthy of my time and energy.
Then, because we are in a pandemic and I care about the future and health of our world, I pared it down to just one additional, socially responsible boo I would let into my quaranpod (that’s what the cool kids are calling it these days, or at least my husband’s partner) while still chatting casually with a few others.
This is how you navigate dating in the midst of a pandemic my friends- with communication, care, consideration and transparency.
While my break from dating had a lot to do with study time and turning in, another big reason was that I kept getting involved in relationships that just weren’t working for me.
My shit would come up like a god damn tidal wave, collide with their shit and flood the scene taking out everyone and everything in it’s path. Sorry for the shit visual but it’s quite accurate.
And as I’m slowly and cautiously entering into a new relationship I can’t help but wonder if all the deep and consistent and heart wrenching work I’ve been doing over the past 6 months is actually working.
I mean I know it’s working because I can see the results in all the lustrous ways my life is unfolding right before my very eyes but still, when it comes to my polyamory, I seem to get tangled into a web of passion so thick and binding that getting myself out is often quite the event.
Needless to say I’ve been cautiously optimistic as I move back into dating and have noticed how calm and measured these past few months have been.
Then I had sex. And while I made it 24 hours in space of grounded security and joyful expansion I then tumbled into a river of my very familiar and at times rather comforting insecurities.
One of my limiting beliefs is that I’m too much and as a result can be a burden. It’s a piece of myself that for the most part I’ve loved, accepted and released knowing it’s just a narrative that I have the choice to believe or not.
Most of the time I choose not to believe it. It’s bullshit and doesn’t serve me.
But there are times when I’m feeling particularly vulnerable (like when I have sex with a new boo for the first time) that my insecurities come up and I am sensitive to all the things and read into everything.
It’s a visceral feeling that takes over my body and my reactions can often overwhelm whoever is in my path further proving my narrative that I’m too much and a burden.
That my friends is what we call a self fulfilling prophecy.
But this time it was different….
Instead of letting it consume me I stayed in my power, I used my words, I recognized that my needs are not too much and that I am not a burden. I am simply a human being having feels. That’s it.
And this allowed me to own my often times overwhelming feelings instead of projecting them out onto the other. It allowed me to remember that I’m not the only one who has needs and insecurities and that while my shit is my shit it’s not all about me.
It was a short but incredibly liberating experience in which I didn’t let my fears, insecurities, trauma and anxious preoccupied attachment style consumed me. But I didn’t battle them either, I simply let them have their moment while I took a step back and a few deep breaths.
This was a first and tells me all this Tantra healing I’ve been doing is actually working.
Change. Palpable, glorious change.
In these moments where I can actually feel the experience of showing up completely differently healing and transformation feels so authentically real.
We are worthy of healing, growing and changing. And it is absolutely possible.
It often takes way more time than we have the patience for. Still, trust. Keep moving. Keep breathing. Keep doing your work. And then one day there you are showing up in a way that inspires and delights you.