I used to think part of being fierce meant not letting anyone take advantage of me. Not putting up with anyone’s shit.
And to an extent I suppose it is. I mean I don’t let that happen anymore. But the way I go about it now is much different.
That happened a lot in the past. In my twenties to be exact.
I let myself be controlled and played and manipulated. I hung on the desires of men, letting their opinions of me determine my worth.
There was a time when I wanted so desperately to be liked by men in particular because their affections felt paramount to my feelings of worth and safety.
Then one day I woke the fuck up and said no more.
And that’s the thing about waking up to something that is harming us. It can be easy to have an exaggerated response. Sometimes that’s needed to get us out.
So I swung to the other end of the pendulum and needed to be in control of exactly how I was treated and it needed to be in alignment with my expectations and agenda.
And I’m not saying that’s bad. Being clear on how we want to be treated is important. At the same time we can’t control how people treat us entirely.
I need to let go and give them space to show up. Give them space to fuck up.
And how they show up and show affection and show they care may be a bit different than my exact vision but it doesn’t necessarily mean they are treating me like crap.
This part was hard for me. I had (and sometimes still have) such a tight grip on needing to be treated properly.
In the past I practically gave partners a script so I could feel safe by feeling loved. It never actually fulfilled me. I needed to give that to myself. That was the ticket.
I needed to genuinely, truly love myself. Once that happened my grip started to soften as did my expectations.
Once we start treating ourselves with the love and respect we deserve others tend to do the same. We attract it to us much more easily and freely.
And I know this may sound like the opposite advice than we tend to hear- don’t settle, you deserve the exact relationship you want. And yes I agree but there is a difference between not settling for bullshit and needing to be in control.
There is a difference between simply needing someone else to validate you and wanting them to love and show up for you. For me making this distinction was a GAME CHANGER.
And that only came when I was able to heal my trauma and love myself.
Only then did my grip soften allowing me to receive what I truly deserve because I was already giving it to myself.