I’m Ready to Trust Myself in a New Relationship

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In the four years I’ve been polyamorous I have put myself out there a LOT.

I’ve felt deep love, profound heartbreak, unprecedented passion.

I’ve lost myself. I’ve found myself. I went on around 25 first dates in 2019. Clearly way less in 2020. (Thanks covid.)

And honestly a lot of those relationships, while fulfilling and fun and deeply pleasurable, were hot messes wrought with anxiety and uncertainty.

Often the people I would date would push that particular button and I would push theirs and the dance would begin.

I’ve written about this a lot so if you’re a regular reader you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you’re new, welcome! Read this to get caught up…

But over the past year I’ve done so much work to heal these pieces and show up in a much more integrated way.

As a result I see that the people I am attracting are different. And the way I feel about them are different. I am much less anxious these days and when my anxieties do rise I feel much more equipped to be with them.

Is this anxious preoccupied lady moving into a secure attachment style? It sure feels that way.

A few years back I learned about attachment theory from a therapist friend of mine and did my own research. Let me tell you, it was a game changer.

I began to understand that as someone with an insecure attachment style (particularly anxious preoccupied) that being polyamorous was really challenging. It all started to make sense and slowly instead of judging myself I began loving myself. Also a game changer.

But still even with all of this healing and things feeling and showing up differently, I haven’t trusted myself. Not fully.

I haven’t trusted myself to just be myself in new relationships because myself was always too much.

Myself always got me into trouble, tangled in emotions and passion and codependency.

Myself needed something other than me because I didn’t know how to access those pieces. Not fully.

But now I do. I have for a bit. But still I was cautious.

Because as much as we can change and grow and transform, we can also slip back into old patterns and cycles. Especially with people who feed those pieces so easily. Because we are human.

So I set up particular structures and rules to make sure I would “behave” and not lose my shit. I tried to date more than one additional person to keep things balanced. I made sure I didn’t express too much too soon. I held back and tried to play it cool.

But I’ve realized I don’t need to do that anymore. Not if it all doesn’t feel authentic.

I can be myself. All of me. But I can also be discerning.

I can take my time. I can take all I’ve learned and healed and grown so far with me. Because all of that is part of me now.

Caution and discernment are two different things. One comes from fear and the other from awareness and power.

I’m learning I don’t have to prove myself to get affection and love. That never actually works.

I’m learning I can be really into someone but incompatibility makes it so we don’t work out.

While it’s important to examine our own behaviors it’s also important not to blame ourselves for things that just don’t fit. Especially when our trauma collides with someone else’s. I’m done with that.

I’ve also learned that when we are compatible with someone shit just works. Sure we still have to show up and do hard things from time to time but still it simply flows.

Change is possible. Healing is possible. We just need to keep showing up. For ourselves.

I’m ready to trust myself. To be myself. To love myself. But mostly, I’m just ready.