It Wasn’t that I was Hard to Love. It was This.

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I used to think I was “hard to love.” I often demanded so much time, energy and attention from my partners and when I didn’t get what I needed exactly how I wanted it I’d be out.

This really started to show when I opened my relationship five years ago. Until that point I was able to fly under the radar.

Now I understand that I’m simply a person with an anxious attachment style who tends to attract other people with avoidant attachment styles. My anchor partner I’ve been with for almost 10 years is secure so our relationship works but even more recently I can see how my attachment trauma still plays out.

I remember the first time I heard about attachment styles. I was in DC with my good friend and therapist going on and on about this guy I was seeing while also still deeply heartbroken about my breakup. You can catch up about that here.

She listened and hel space as good therapist friends tend to do and then she asked me if I’d ever heard of attachement styles. I hadn’t so she sent me on my way with her copy of the book Attached, which I still haven’t returned. Sorry C.

This was a game changer for me. It gave me a lens in which to understand myself more clearly and also over time learn how to communicate my needs from this lens.

So what does it mean to have an anxious attachment style?

Well, as someone with an anxious attachment style I tend to need extra reassurance from my partners and because my love languages are words of affirmation and time spending reassurance is best received when given in that lens.

When either one of those is comprised then I try to get my needs met in what sometimes can be a very controlling way.

The fascinating thing is that I tend to attract people who accommodate to feel safe, which at first feels great because suddenly I’m getting all of my needs met but in time, if this persists the person accommodating me will start to feel the effects of neglecting their boundaries.

It’s often hard for anxious peeps to self regulate so outsourcing that through other’s validation feels way better initially and is easier to obtain. We seek safety and sometimes find it challenging resourcing it from ourselves.

But I’ve learned a few things that are really helpful in navigating this particular attachment style…

First I can’t expect anyone to show up exactly how I need them to in any given moment and if what I’m looking for is safety whatever they give me won’t stick because I must give that to myself.

Second, I actually can take very good care of myself and simply needed to use my tools to self regulate.

Third, it’s ok to ask for reassurance and there are people who are capable of giving that to me in the ways that I need. That being said I need to give them the space to show up and do so authentically.

Forth, my needs often take precedence over others because they tend to be bigger and louder and gather more attention but in reality everyone’s needs are valid and I’ve actually experienced a lot of healing being able to hear and respond to the needs to my partners.

Five, our partner’s boundaries are our friends, even though at first they may feel really scary to receive, our ability to respect them can be really powerful.

It’s taken me a while to get to this place of clarity. Years actually and a LOT of deep healing work and therapy. Plus having a new relationship where I’m lovingly being held accountable and with lots of space to talk about these things has helped tremendously.

If any of this resonates with you there is a good chance you also have an anxious attachment style. If so be kind and gentle with yourself while lovingly holding yourself accountable.

And if you are in relationship with someone who has this kind of attachment style recognize they may need a bit more reassurance from time to time but also benefit from boundaries. Giving in to every single need someone has rarely benefits them. It’s a balance.

I truly believe our relationships are here to help us heal. Slowly but surely. And that takes communication, discernment and love.