It’s Not You It’s Me

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I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately. Overwhelmed and vulnerable.

I’ve been opening myself to deeper relationships. More love. More possibilities. And the more I welcome in what I’ve been wanting for so long the scarier it is.

Because being vulnerable means opening ourselves up in ways that could break our hearts, embarrass us or cause us to feel rejected. And that shit is scary.

So I’ve been feeling my feels as a result. Strong uncomfortable feels.

And in those moments I know with every fiber of my being that I am projecting on my partner. I know that what I am feeling has more to do with me being scared than anything he did, which brings me to a very important point…

Before you blame your partner ask yourself how much of what you are feeling is your own shit.

This is something I’m constantly reminding myself. Over and over.

Because 90% of the time it’s true. Our partners so often reflect pieces of ourselves that we need to care for, listen to and love.

They can also represent a figure from our childhood and in those moments we get worked up or triggered it’s SO damn easy to project all of our fears and discomfort and insecurities on them.

And yes, sometimes people are just shitty and need to be called out.

And sometimes there are actual actions that need to be addressed, boundaries that need to be expressed and conversations that need to be had.

But often even in those moments a large piece of what we are feeling and even needing is coming from thoughts and feels that are old and repetitive and rooted in core beliefs that have nothing to do with our partners.

I’ve gotten so much better with spotting this, something that my partner reminded me of as I expressed my feelings about our new relationship and all the ways it is opening and growing. Two years ago I didn’t have these skills.

Instead of blaming or trying to control I now own my feelings, express them from that place of knowing they are coming from me and then communicating what I need from that place are empathy for myself and awareness. THIS is a game changer.

Especially when we have people in our life who can hold that space for us. Who can listen not and take on our shit.

Just because these feelings may be rooted in our own stuff and has little to do with the other person doesn’t mean we can’t express ourselves and also have needs around these feelings.

It’s just a completely different conversation when we can acknowledge that these are our feelings coming from our own triggers or trauma or fear and at the same time we might need a little support around this as we care for ourselves.

What this does is shifts the conversation from blaming to acknowledging so our partner will be less likely to get defensive and it allows you both to collaborate on how to support you in this moment as opposed to battling over it.

Again, GAME CHANGER.

It takes work to care for ourselves in this way. It takes courage to refrain from outsourcing all of our needs and safety and instead to be authentic and honest with ourselves in a moment of struggle and discomfort.

But the more we do this the more we show ourselves and all the piece inside that often need care and love, that we are capable, we are brave and we are here to take good care of ourselves.