I remember this one time I was having a VERY challenging conversation with someone I was in a relationship with.
We were screaming at each other. Loudly. It wasn’t my normal way to have a conversation. I was fired up. Big time.
The reason I was fired up was because in that moment I didn’t feel safe. And I didn’t feel safe because I didn’t feel heard. And I didn’t feel heard because I was trying to ask for a boundary to be met and they were pushing back against me. Hard.
And instead of attempting to get to the core of the issue we just debated that shit for over an hour until we were so exhausted that we finally pretended everything was ok and hung up. Ugh. That shit sucked. It wasn’t my finest moment, for many reasons.
The relationship ended shortly after that. More boundaries were pushed against and violated and I just couldn’t engage with someone who challenged my boundaries in that way.
At the same time the entire experience was a gigantic mirror showing me how I’ve done the same thing to other partners in the past.
And truth be told, I never actually explained the reason. I was too afraid that they would just push against my reasons and we’d find ourselves back in a spiral and at that time I couldn’t handle it.
And yes, I know exactly who this person symbolizes from my childhood, something I’ve unpacked with my therapist for sure.
The thing is, not everyone is going to understand our boundaries. There could be a hundred reasons why someone just doesn’t get the particular needs we may have.
They may not have the space or energy to try to understand.
They may not have the tools to understand.
They may not give enough of a shit to understand.
They may feel very uncomfortable or triggered by our boundaries.
It may push against their own shit in a way they weren’t expecting.
And as a result not everyone is going to respect our boundaries. They push against them hard. They may belittle them. They may make it all about them. And still, none of this is a reason to deny or abandon or reject our boundaries.
Sure it can be helpful to examine our needs and boundaries and how we are expressing them. So I like to always remember this:
The difference between a boundary and a rule is that a boundary tells others how you want to be treated. A rule tells others how they should behave.
So keep it focused on how you want to be treated. Boundaries are a road map of how to honor your time, your energy, your labor, your heart, your body and your emotions.
Be steadfast in your boundaries. Be deliberate with your boundaries. Be true to your boundaries. And know you are worthy of all of this.
Not because you work really hard or are going through a lot of shit but simply because you are.