Last night I had a dream I was yelling at a member of my family. We were in the bedroom I grew up in and I held them by the arms in frustration at not feeling seen or heard or understood by them.
The dream was so visceral and charged, I woke up feeling like I worked something out in the process. I released the sadness of not being the person my family expected me to be. At least some of it.
Of being different. Of being sexual. Of being empowered in the way that I choose to live my life.
And all of these things are so inspired and embodied and bad ass but as a result it’s created a distinct separation between most of my family and I.
They love me yes. I know this. And still I rarely feel seen and heard and understood, which is big part of feeling loved.
They don’t fully understand the life choices that set me apart in such elaborate ways. Life choices that fill my life with so much reverence, gratitude and joy. Life choices that so many other people in my life are deeply inspired by. Life choices that I am deeply inspired by. They just don’t get it. I didn’t fulfill the plan we all expected me to fulfill.
I abandoned monogamy for a more authentic relationship style, something that is so foreign to them.
After 37 years of thinking I was going to be a mother I decided not to have children, the very act I thought would bring us all closer.
My work is rooted in sexual expression and pleasure and embodiment of our erotic nature, matters that we only ever spoke about under a Catholic veil.
I discovered my bisexuality at the age of 37, something I’ve never even had a conversation with them about.
As a result my relationships with my family are muddled and stifled and strained.
For the most part I’ve accepted this reality and still as the dream so tenderly reminded me, it’s sad that I can’t be the fullest expression of who I have become around them.
And I know that I’m making that choice. I own that. It simply feels safer for me to accept them for where they are while loving myself for who I am.
And I’ve gathered such a special and aligned chosen family who love me and understand me and support me and celebrate me and live similarly to me. I’m the most fulfilled I’ve ever felt. And still every now and then, I feel the loss of my blood not being thicker than water.
There’s a good chance they will never meet any partner beyond my husband and I probably won’t talk full out about my workshops, programs and coaching that offers healing and empowerment to so many, a business that I hold so dear to my heart. These are things I’ve come to accept while also recognizing that anything is possible.
And I’ve felt this loss for quite some time but I’ve kept it to myself. Today I felt inspired to share because I know there are many like me whose families don’t fully understand them and I want you to know that I see you.
I see those of you who have cut family members out of your life because you value your mental health more than your familial bonds.
I see those of you who still have family in your life but it’s not the relationship you wish it was.
I see those of you who feel like you are going through the motions and not in your fullest expression around your family.
We are conditioned to believe that family is more important than anything but in reality that’s not always the case. It is always more important to honor our own needs, our own boundaries and our own mental and emotional health. Always.
My hope in writing this, a piece I’ve had in my heart for quite some time, is that I will be able to free some of that pain lodged within and remind you (and myself) that you don’t need your family’s approval to thrive.