I remember I had a friend in my early twenties who I felt such intense feelings for it confused the hell out of me. I can see myself sitting on my sofa talking to her on the phone and thinking, I love her but not knowing what to do about it.
And yes, of course we can love our friends. I consider my best friend one of my partners even though our relationship is platonic. Still, I love her as deeply as any romantic relationship I’ve ever had.
But this was different. As was some (not all) of my other friendships I had in my twenties. If the world was a more accepting place I may have explored them in a much different way. I just didn’t have the language to express how I was feeling. This was before social media mind you.
It’s taken me time to be able to celebrate my sexuality and feel like I was worthy of dressing myself in rainbows and taking a part in Pride.
My bisexuality was a mystery to me for many many years. Every attraction I felt for a woman I chalked up to friendship. I pushed the curiosity down because I didn’t know what to do with it. How to set it free.
Twelve years of Catholic school will do that to a girl. Stifle the curiosities, punish the exploration, sometimes even erase the question as all.
Plus there is so much stigma around women being attracted to women. The way many cis straight men sexualize it has always creeped me out and made me apprehensive of my own feelings and attentions because I didn’t want to support that bullshit.
But of course, it comes out eventually. It comes out because it is a part of us, true and rich and real. It can’t be fully eradicated. It’s a part of our tapestry. A part of our bones.
Then 37 I set that piece of myself free. And honestly it felt anticlimactic. Like finally connecting with a piece of myself and my sexuality I never understood for so long wasn’t a big fucking deal. It was.
Even still, at times, I feel like an impostor. My romantic partners are currently male and so my sexuality flies under the radar when so many people bravely move out into the world every day unable to fly under any radar at all.
So many are victims of violence and hatred because some people are just too scared to let others live their truth and be free. Like who people love actually has anything to do with anyone but those people.
And still Pride is for all of us who identify with it. You don’t need to be out to celebrate Pride. You don’t need to be completely visible to celebrate Pride. You could come out at 7 or 107. Pride is for you.
It’s a celebration of those who paved the way oh so courageously.
Pride is a celebration of every single person who knows that their sexuality or gender wasn’t meant to fit in the box society laid out for them.
Whether you are shouting it from the rooftops or simply acknowledging it for your own truth or in a space of quietly questioning, I hope you feel seen, heard and loved.
You matter. We matter. Happy Pride.