Last week my partner of 10 months and I broke up. This came after spending 5 days together on vacation at the beach. A vacation that proved to put a spotlight on some areas of our relationship that just weren’t sustainable for him.
I thought I’d be heart broken. Devastated actually. But I’m not. And not because I don’t love him deeply and dearly. I do. Our love still feels very much in tact in many ways.
My heart hasn’t been broken because one of the purposes of our relationship was to crack my heart wide open. And a heart that is open doesn’t break so easily. It doesn’t need to.
This relationship allowed me to actively heal more than any relationship I’ve ever had. Together we supported each other in this process.
I’ve been healing my attachment trauma. I’ve been healing my fear of abandonment. I began the process of healing deeply buried trauma I didn’t even know existed. I learned how to self regulate and care for myself more fully.
I did this all within the container of this relationship and with the love and support of my other long term partners.
He didn’t teach me how to do any of this. Instead he supported this process by engaging in it fully with me and himself and doing the work and showing up consistently.
The result is a breakup that has had so much grace and a tremendous amount of ease so far.
Yes I’m sad. Very much so. But the sadness feels so pure because I am able to simply focus on the loss of this amazing human instead of having a trauma response.
Three years ago this was a very different story. I was absolutely devastated when my partner broke up with my only 4 days after my wedding with my anchor partner.
I cried every single day for months and months. It was traumatic. It was horrible. But I got through it. Completely. Fully.
There were moments when I wondered if that would ever happen. I felt so very tangled.
Now I see what a gift that breakup was. Because I know that if I could get though that (the most grief I’ve ever felt) then I can get through this. It’s become a template for reminding me of what I am capable of.
I see myself now and bear witness to how much I’ve grown and changed. How fortified I am. How sovereign.
So while I miss this sweet and tender being so much as he was truly part of my chosen family, I respect and honor his choice to end this relationship because I know he was deciding to choose himself and his well being.
Not all relationships are meant to last forever. Some end much sooner than expected.
So often we let an ending rewrite what has already happened. Question it. Judge it. But an ending can never take away all the beauty that was experienced within it.
This is what I will mourn and at the same time celebrate. The beauty. Because indeed, it was beautiful.