I consider myself a fairly compassionate person.
It pretty much comes along with the job of being a yoga teacher. You just wind of fostering compassion. And love. And truth. And awareness.
But on Monday I was not feeling especially compassionate. I was not feeling a ton of empathy. Instead I was frustrated and annoyed.
Let me explain…
About a week or so prior I made plans with a friend. I was going to go over and make dinner.
Now I take my dinner making quite seriously. If you’ve even taken one of my Poconos retreats then you understand why.
I’m a really good cook. I tap in and use my creativity to create something delicious.
So when my friend called me 5 hours before I was supposed to come over and canceled, I was disappointed.
And while the reason was big and dramatic and intense. I had a VERY hard time feeling compassionate for anyone involved.
Because I know that the situation my friend was caught up in was unhealthy for him. I could see that once again my friend wasn’t using boundaries and wasn’t speaking up for himself.
And it drove me nuts.
So I was frustrated.
I was annoyed.
But I was not compassionate.
Now I didn’t tell my friend that I wasn’t feeling particularly empathetic at that moment but I did let him know I was frustrated and disappointed.
It can be challenging to see another’s habits and patterns and identify them as unhealthy while being unable to change them. Because really there is nothing I can do other than be a good friend.
But what does being a good friend really look like? Does it look like keeping my mouth shut when I’m feeling rejected and hurt??
And while I did speak up a bit I also felt that I couldn’t say as much as I wanted to.
But I was feeling pretty judgmental.
So later that night when I pulled an Osho Zen Tarot card from my deck and it was the Projections card I shouldn’t have been surprised.
But I was.
That card says that when you find a judgement arising about someone else turn the mirror towards yourself and see if that judgement is really about you.
It wasn’t until the next day during my yoga practice that it hit me.
The words of Brene Brown floated into my mind. In one of her talks on boundaries she says…
The most compassionate people that I’ve interviewed over the last 13 years were absolutely the most boundaried.
That was it. I wasn’t feeling compassionate because in that moment my boundaries weren’t being honored. And while it may feel easy to blame someone else for it, actually that falls on me.
Boundaries are anything that is and is not cool for you. And being cancelled on 5 hours before a hang out for something I had a lot of judgment around wasn’t cool for me.
But in my attempt to be a good friend I didn’t really express that as much as I could have.
I just held space for his experience while not really honoring the fact that my feelings were hurt and it didn’t feel good.
Sometimes those we care about will disappoint us. And we will disappoint them.
I find that when I hold that shit in it doesn’t serve anyone.
But also it’s so important to honor what is and is not ok for you.
And while these conversations can be scary and uncomfortable at times, they are often necessary.
That is having healthy boundaries.
That is having a strong sense of self.
And from there we can foster more empathy and compassion.
And if you ask me, the world could use a bit more of both.
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