I lost my virginity when I was 18 years old.
What a strange way to put it. Like I misplaced it and can’t find it anymore. In actuality I know exactly where it went.
My boyfriend and I waited for 9 months before we got to it in his bedroom while Boyz II Men belted out I’ll Make Love to You. I’m not making this up. That’s the song. It was on my mix tape.
Back then I was certainly not a sexual being. Sure I engaged in sexual acts but I never fully understood it’s purpose. It felt more like a goal, like something I was supposed to be doing.
So I did it. And hey, it was fun but more because I was doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing.
Once I hit my twenties I started to have better sex. Started to explore more. Started to understand the idea of pleasure. But still, sex (and by sex I mean all forms, not just intercourse) still felt like an act that validated me more than fed me.
I led with my sexuality for years. And no, there is nothing wrong with that. At all. If it’s done for the right reasons. But for me it was a manipulative tactic to get the attention of as many men as possible and feed a deep insecurity that lurked beneath my push up bras and wild curly locks.
I remember one day when I was talking to a fellow yoga teacher and friend and mentioned I graduated Summa Cum Laude in college. She told me she was surprised because she didn’t get that intelligent side from me. She saw the vivacious sexy side, the wild side, the party girl side.
Because that is what I put out. And hey, I was in my twenties. I was still figuring it out. It’s all good.
The problem is that before my very big transformation I was spending a lot of time with a group of men who degraded the hell out of women, including myself. They rated them, they tried to manipulate them Pick Up Artist style and they insulted them as a way to get them into bed.
And I let myself get caught up in their games.
So when I traveled around the world a bit, got into my service work and started to see myself in a much more spiritual light, this all shifted.
Those men were obsolete, my breasts and thighs were neatly tucked away and I started to lead with my purpose as opposed to my pussy. (If this offends you try reading this blog post). I reclaimed that shit.
But this was simply the opposite extreme. I thought that because I embraced my spirituality, broke up with alcohol and was moving into living my purpose that there was no room for my sexuality. And as a result I met a lot of men that were not ok with having sex with me because of an STD I’ve had for the past 15 years. More on that here.
So I starved that part of myself for years. I accepted rejection. I played the victim to my STD.
Again, this didn’t feel like the right fit but it was where I had to be. I’m an Aries, we tend to find comfort in the extremes. I had to experience both before I could find the center.
And honestly, it wasn’t until this past year that I finally started to find the integration.
I finally started to once again embody the wild and sexual pieces of myself.
I finally started to truly understand the purpose of pleasure and my commitment to myself to always honor my need for it.
I finally started to live like a sexual being.
Because we are ALL sexual beings. But in our often sex negative culture where people are slut shamed and sex is seen as dirty or goal oriented or something to keep score of or something to keep quiet about, sex is often repressed and pushed down into the shadows.
But actually it belongs in the light.
I know this now. I now embrace sex, pleasure and my sexuality exactly how I want to.
FOR ME.
And as a result life is one big multiple orgasm.
It’s so easy to buy into the conditioning society force feeds us about what sexy is and how sex should be. And one of the biggest most powerful acts of rebellion is to make your own rules. To find your own way.
That’s what I’m doing. Are you in? Let me know if the comments below.
And if you want to explore many of these topics with me and sexologist Dr. Timaree Schmit then join us this April in Philly for our two day intensive, Sexual Being. Save $50 if you sign up by Wednesday March 1.
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