I was really looking forward to this past Sunday.
It was the only day out of the weekend that my fiance’ Nick and I were getting to hang out since he was photographing weddings Friday and Saturday.
Our plan was to go to our favorite brunch spot in Chestnut Hill and then walk around a bit and go for a movie.
But instead we got into a big fat argument.
The details of said argument don’t really matter. The point is that on our way to brunch we found ourselves in a very not happy place.
And the most frustrating thing about the fight was that it was fucking up our entire day.
Oh the irony. I was so upset that our day was getting ruined yet I was part of the argument. Meaning I could have contributed to ending it.
Only I couldn’t. I felt like a slave to my emotions in that moment. They were big and thick and dominating.
Kind of like one of those big mean seagulls on the beach that peck away at the other seagulls trying to take up space and get fed. My other more positive emotions didn’t stand a chance.
We went back and forth many times on whether or not we should just do our own thing and bag our day. But I didn’t really want to do that.
We even talked about trying to turn our day around. But I just didn’t have the energy.
So we just went to brunch.
We sat there and consumed our french toast (him) and Madame Croque with salmon (me).
I went to the bathroom and cried.
I talked about how it sucked.
But I stayed, trying to link on to an inkling of positivity that would turn our day around. And then it happened.
We were ending our brunch and each talking to one of the waitstaff. We go there all the time and everyone knows us. We’re awesome like that.
I gave the one woman a hug as we always do. But it wasn’t just any hug. It was a hug that lasted for at least a minute.
A hug where you aren’t afraid to stay as long as you’d like.
A hug that reaches all the way down to your soul.
Nick and the other server started laughing at us and admiring our hug.
Then another server we also know but aren’t as close with commented on the hug and how nice it looked. So I offered her a one too.
I saw her contemplate it for a second. As if she was considering the fact that accepting my hug in the middle of the restaurant was not really socially acceptable.
Then she said yes.
So I hugged her. Just as long.
And as I did I felt how much she needed it. I felt her appreciation.
I felt her love.
It was beautiful.
It totally shifted my mood.
We left Cake (the brunch spot) feeling completely different than when we entered.
If we had decided to give in to our egos we would have split up for the day and done our own things. I know I would have felt sad and shitty all day.
Then we would have had to spend even more time talking and reconciling when the distance would have been much greater.
Instead we stuck it out. We stayed together, even though it sucked for a while.
We remained open to love. And it found us. And shifted everything.
Now I know that won’t always happen for everyone. There have been times where taking space was a better idea.
But I think it’s worth a try.
Once again it goes back to this idea of how things are supposed to be. So often we give in to our differences and our arguments. We let them get the best of us.
We pushed against that this time. It felt different and new to do this.
But it worked.
This past year has been all about finding new ways to be in relationship. And I think there are many.
For me it’s about realizing there isn’t one way to do anything. There aren’t even two ways. There are MANY.
Also, never underestimate the power of a good long hug.
Can you relate?? I’d love to hear from you. Let me know if the comments below.
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4 comments
Dude, Cake is the bomb. As soon as you said Chestnut Hill brunch spot that was the first place to pop in my head. Small world, I’ve been reading your blog for a few months and had no idea we’re from the same area. Hugs really can make the greatest difference. I’m divorced and a newly married friend while at another friends wedding recently asked if I had any advice and initially I felt like I had no business giving advice because my marriage mostly failed because it shouldn’t have happened in the first place. But driving home I thought hard about it, and the best advice I can give is to learn how to fight productively and in a way that allows each of you to feel heard. It’s unrealistic to think you won’t fight, even when you’re madly in love. People are insanely different and will never see the world the exact same way.
Thank you for this LC. So much wisdom there. I totally agree. Especially on the part where you said “in a way that allows each of you to feel heard” That is SO on point and makes a big difference.
I LOVE hugs, especially the ones you can melt into. And for me, that sense of melting is key to the shift. When I feel rigid, right and reactive, there’s no space for anything else. I’m imagining a hug like you had and how they make me feel seen and held. I’m no longer standing alone and disconnected.
My husband and I don’t really argue, which is the first thing we need to work on. When we get better at that, I wonder what would happen if, in the middle of an argument, even in our anger, we hugged. Hugged WITH the anger, WITH the rigidity, WITH the distance. I imagine we’d eventually go through tears or laughter as the energy shifted, and then to connection. I like the thought of processing physically like that. #goals 🙂
What an interesting observation- to hug with anger and distance. It sounds like such a beautiful and powerful exercise for sure. And yes, being seen and held is so important. For all of us.
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