I was down the shore with my fiancé getting ready to check out of the little Victorian hotel we occupied for the night.
I had just come off of the beach wearing a loose fitting sleeveless tank over my bikini. No shorts. I’m at the beach. It’s socially acceptable to forgo pants.
As I’m walking from the hotel this very boisterous man who was chatting us up before comes up to me and proceeds to tell me that when I was at the front desk he looked over at me and got very quiet because he thought I was naked from the waste down.
He gestures to my ass. He explains to me where my shirt falls right over my butt cheeks.
He laughs thinking he’s hilarious and my day is being improved by his amazing story.
I stand there laughing a bit too loud as I indulge him.
Then he proceeds to go outside and tell my fiancé the same story. I could tell as soon as I saw my fiancé’s face.
In that moment I knew what I was going to write about this week.
So why is this a perfect example understated male privilege? And why didn’t I tell him to shut the fuck up?
Let me speak to the second part first.
If I told him to fuck off or even just pointed out that his comments made me uncomfortable then I am the one that will need to do the emotional labor of dealing with what would come next.
His shock. His explanations. His shame. And anything he might fling back on me.
And it was my anniversary. And I just came off the beach. And I didn’t feel like doing all of that shit. Even though his behavior was thoughtless, rude and ignorant.
Actually something similar happened a few weeks prior. I was sitting in the minute clinic in CVS next to me was an empty chair and next to that was another woman.
An older man (seriously older white men, get your shit together) looked at the both of us and said “Wow lucky me, I get to sit between two beautiful women.”
The other woman laughed awkwardly. I simply gave him a death stare that I was hoping would have melted his face off.
I was sitting in that chair with a UTI that was burning down my internal house. I was in so much pain and waiting patiently to see the doctor.
But instead of a quiet moment I needed to engage with a man who thought that telling me I was beautiful was a great idea and of course as a result I should be flattered and honored.
And THIS is the issue. THIS is the subtle play of privilege and power in both situations. These men are in a space of ignorance of their own privilege that they see absolutely no problem with commenting on my body or my looks while not even giving a thought of how it might land on me at that partic
Rude dude #1 wasn’t concerned that his comments on thinking there was nothing but a bare vagina under my shirt would make me feel uncomfortable.
Rude dude #2 didn’t take a moment to consider that I might not want to be hit on or even complimented while I’m waiting to see the doctor.
They just said whatever they wanted and didn’t worry about the consequences. Because of their own privilege and the power that often comes with it they felt entitled to do this and to think that whatever they said was a compliment.
A lot of men do this all of the time. They comment on our bodies, tell us we look beautiful, propose marriage, ask for numbers, make a comment that they could love us better than our current partners.
I’ve had ALL of these things happen. And honestly most of the time I just shrug it off. Sometimes I’m even flattered.
But lately I’m beginning to see how these subtle ignorances can add up to way more dangerous and damaging consequences.
And no, most of the time women do not comment. We may even laugh it off. Because often times it takes way too much energy to tell them off and in some situations that may not be safe.
So instead I’m talking about it here and now. I know we’ve all had things like this happen. Things that aren’t very loud and obvious but still make us feel uncomfortable.
And I’m here simply to bring my experiences into the light and say that it’s really not ok.
Privilege is dangerous because there is so much ignorance and invisibility within the person that has it.
But the more we talk about it (even in these quieter situations) the more those little shadows will come out into the light.
If you have one of these stories you’d like to share please leave them in the comments below.
5 comments
Men are men, mostly they mean no harm meant but don’t know how to say your beautiful in a respectful way. Let it go.
Yes, there are some great men out there that respect women and hold themselves to a higher standard than our social norms, however those are not the men referenced in this post. Unless you think being shown a picture of your coworkers genitals without any warning or interest is a manly thing to do. Unless you think grabbing a woman’s ass as she’s walking past you in a bar and pretending to be blind when she turns around is a manly thing to do. If you want to support this wildly inappropriate behavior then I suggest you remain anonymous. Maybe men ARE men, but you my friend are a coward.
Clearly you missed the entire point of this article. Or perhaps you didn’t read it in it’s entirety. The phrase “men are men” is simply supporting the notion that it is acceptable for a man to act however they are “supposed to” act regardless of the affect or feeling it might have on the woman receiving it. This here in lies the problem. And whether someone means harm or not doesn’t really matter. The harm we cause is there whether we intend it or not. This is the issue with privilege across the board. It breeds on ignorance and misplaced intentions. And to be clear I am not holding on to this. I am using my experiences to be in conversation and bring light to that which needs to be changed.
Thanks for the conversation Brittany. My 2 cents… Man or woman, if I see a person in a hotel lobby with their legs exposed up to their derriere, it’ll trigger a response in me. I’ll be surprised since a hotel lobby, no matter how close to the beach it is, is not the beach. I’m not going to say anything to the person, but I’ll sure say something discretely to whomever I’m with. I understand your discomfort with your observer’s interaction with you, since it’s not worth commenting when someone chooses to be on parade. Good thinkin’ that you didn’t drop an f-bomb on him… that would be a downward spiral for sure.
I was also intrigued by your reaction to the gentleman at CVS. I know men exactly like him… um… my Dad for instance. My Dad is a kind person, a senior with declining abilities, and can’t connect with many people these days living in his small assisted living community. I could easily see him saying something like that, not with a lascivious intent, but just a way to connect, and hope to spread an uplifting compliment.
Thank you for your comment Leila. Yes, I totally hear you. But there is a difference between doing a double take when someone is basically wearing a beach cover up and going up to them and referencing their body in such a way that is over the top which made not just myself but my MALE partner uncomfortable as well. And I wouldn’t have said to fuck to him. That was just a figure of speech. I would have instead told him his comments were unnecessary and that he may want to keep them to himself.
As for CVS yes I totally get that. In some ways it was harmless. But at the same time men do this to women. Women rarely do this to men. And when I’m sick and waiting to see a doctor I do believe it is my right to be left alone. I’m not walking down the street in the city on a Saturday night. Context. I think it would serve us all a bit more if we are more conscious of each other and could “read the room.”
I have other examples of things that are way more offensive but I decided to stick with these two examples to start this kind of conversations because they both spoke to me. Thank you for being a part of it. I value your point of view!
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