The Frustrating Consequences of Not Conforming to Social Norms

On Saturday night I went to a popular restaurant with a bunch of my friends to celebrate what I called my “Goddesss Gathering,” which is just a woo woo, non conforming term for bachelorette party. 

The dude at the front desk was really sweet and congratulated me and then followed that up with,

“Welcome to the club.”

To which I replied, “I’m pretty sure you’re club isn’t the same as my club.”

To which he awkwardly laughed and took us to our table.

I’m not gonna lie. It bugged me. Even though he was just trying to be a nice and supportive person. I know this.

There is just something about people thinking that they know how I roll that drives me bonkers and makes me want to push back. Hard. 

We live in a society based on assumptions.

We see a person who looks female automatically assume that is their preferred gender. And the pronouns follow.

We see a man who appears masculine and will often times assume he is straight.

We meet a couple in a relationship and assume they are monogamous.

We see a woman or a man in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex and deduct that they are straight.

Ok I shouldn’t say “we” because not everyone does this. But often it takes a conscious awareness not to, which is often the result of being one of the afore mentioned persons or at least having someone who doesn’t conform to all the social norms in your life.

There are so many social norms that this is just the way the brain often works. And it sucks.

More and more we are discovering that people do not fit into the neat little package society expects them to occupy.

Clearly I am one of these people.

Most of the time I am proud and confident to go against the grain and put myself out there with a fiery, give-no-fucks passion.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel isolation, shame and guilt sometimes.

Because I totally do.

Like this weekend when I was engaging in the activities that millions of people engage in because I wanted a reason to celebrate life and sisterhood with my closest women but at the same time I felt like I didn’t quite belong.

Or just the simple moment when someone asks me what I’m doing this weekend and I have to pause and consider if I want to open up the can of worms when I tell them I am hanging out with my partner and risk the follow up conversation if they ask about my fiance’ because they assume that is the partner I am talking about.

And hey I admit, a lot of this is my own shit. I still am not completely confident when it comes to dealing with the judgement of living a lifestyle that isn’t the norm.

There is so much conditioning seeped into our bones about how to live, eat, love, fuck, breath, spend, talk, dress, make money, learn etc, etc…

I hope that I can get to the place inside of myself where I can always speak openly and freely to everyone about my relationships and lifestyle without ever feeling a backlash of my own shame or someone’s else’s judgment. 

We have this one life, why shouldn’t be be able to live it exactly how we want to? And why in the hell should anyone care if someone else wants to do it differently?! Seriously!! That makes no sense?!

Actually, I think I know the answer. Because those who go against the grain are lions.

We are brave. We are individuals. And we are a threat to the comfortable ways of being that are instilled in us from a very young age.

But at this point I can’t really do anything other than roar. Even if it sometimes feels really uncomfortable to do so.

So here’s to those of you who live your life outside of the social norms that are expected of you. Your journey may not be easy but trust that it is worth it.

Thank you for being you.