This Time Last Week I was Probably Crying

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Last week was rough.

I was consumed by big bucket fulls of emotion that felt heavy and weighted and unforgiving and uncomfortable AF.

That morning I had talked to my heartbreak.

We just talked about life. We talked like we were old friends.

But we are not old friends. Not yet at least. We are ex loves.

So of course as much as it is lovely to be able to catch up, it also hurts. Because I’m not quite over it.

Now you may be thinking why don’t you just stop talking to him? Why don’t you wait until you are over him?

To which I reply, because I am stubborn as fuck and want to do things my own way and believe that I can and have been this way since I was one year old.

Moving on..

So as a result of all of the above, I was sad. I was feeling my shit in big ways.

And then a few days later it shifted. And there were a few things that helped.

One was definitely writing about it and simply feeling the hell out of it. But also I got my period a few days later.

At the risk of supporting those stupid “time of the month” stereotypes many cis men love to pour over women, I must say that the days before my cycle begins I can often feel some really BIG feels.

It’s like whatever was already roaming around in my heart is amplified. Times a million.

As overwhelming as it can be I find that this kind of no nonsense excavation is powerful and quite effective.

And even though I’ve been in this body of mine for the past 39 years I’ve learned something that feels new. Even though I’m pretty sure it’s not new.

Like an outfit I bought and then it sat in my closet for a few months and I am finally wearing it out.

I learned that I need the big waves of emotion and feeling to come up.

I need to wade in that for just long enough that I can learn from it and allow it to move along.

And I also learned that I am good at doing that. At feeling it. At surrendering to it. At least a little. I can trust myself enough to do that. Even though it is scary.

Each time I do this it feels like progress has been made. Even though at the time it feels like I took 10 steps back. I didn’t. I know that now. Better than I did before.

So if in a few weeks or in a few months I feel a wave of heartbreak shudder through me again I hope I can remember this moment and remind myself that it too will pass and I will only come out the other side stronger and more available to love.

I hope this is a reminder for you too.

When we are consumed with a particular feeling it’s often because it’s asking us to see and hear and love ourselves fiercely enough to let it pass through us. To let is transform us.

It’s so easy to simply get caught up in the feeling because it’s uncomfortable and we want to dispel it as quickly as possible but that power of sitting with it, feeling it and allowing it is where the deepest transformation lies. This, my friends, is alchemy.