Our Decision to Not Have Children

1.4K

I remember this moment three years ago when I declared I was ready to become a mother.

It was my final night in Haiti with my very last yoga teacher training group. We had completed breaking ground on the school they raised money for and were having a celebration dinner.

We each went around the room sharing our intentions and when it got to me I stood up and told the group that I was planning on shifting my focus towards having children with my love.

As soon as I completed that sentence the light flickered off and on as if something somewhere was confirming it so.

Because I have wanted to be a mother every since I received my first Cabbage Patch doll when I was 4 years only.

Motherhood is a thread intricately woven into the fabric of women from a very early age. Our bodies were created to bare children. Society expects us to have children. So any divergence can feel foreign on so many levels.

And there are so many reasons I wanted to have a child.

I know I would be an amazing mother. I would hold space for my child and love them fiercely.

I would listen and be firm but give them the respect and freedom they deserve to make their own choices.

I know Nick would be an amazing father. His patience and deep love and profound joy and ability to set clear and steady boundaries would be such a contribution.

In fact over the years I have had visions of him with what I always thought was our son, swinging him playfulyl in the air, laughter decorating both of their faces.

I know he would show up in the biggest ways he possibly could and never would I feel like raising a child was something I had to go through on my own because I was the mother.

And it feels like we would be making a beautiful contribution by raising a conscious and empowered biracial child in a world that is just starting to wake up to it’s potential.

And I always counted on the offering up of grandchildren as a way to find my way back to a sense of closeness with my family.

So yes if you’re wondering, our decision not to have children while exactly what I feel and need is also so very painful.

Because these things will never happen As lovely as all they sound, beneath that I know I don’t really want to see it through.

I know that they are a sweet fantasy woven by that same 4-year old holding her Cabbage Patch doll. A fantasy I am mourning as I write these words onto the page.

The woman who lives and breaths here before you is much more honest that that. And she tells a different story.

Once I started connecting with her and really listening to those in my life who have children and were so honest and raw with me day in and out, I realized how this kind of commitment would really make me feel.

I started to consider how it would feel to be exhausted beyond control as my body became a vessel for a beautiful but dependent being.

And how after our baby came into the world my schedule and self care would change drastically. Something that is as important to me as the air I breath.

And how my emotions and my deepest wounds would be challenged beyond anything I have every experienced.

And how any stress I have around money would triple when faced with providing for a child I want the very very best for.

And how my Polyamory and the life Nick and I have so intentionalyl built for each other would have to shift in dramatic ways.

Sure, we could totally make it work. We would have to. But at what cost? I just feel like my life is mine to do whatever I desire and children just don’t feel part of that equation anymore.

Then comes the shame. And the isolation. Because most of the people in my life either have or want children. It’s so scary to think that I may not have anything in common with them anymore.

This choice of pushing against this grain feels harder than any choice I’ve ever had to make. But I know we are making the right one.

And writing about it is harder than I thought it would be but it feels so necessary to work these feelings out now and get crystal clear and honest with myself.

Sometimes it’s really hard to be honest with ourselves. To break the rules society and even our own history so perfectly constructed for us but if we are to live authentically this is what we need to do over and over again.

But beautiful part of the life my love and I have chosen is that we will always be opening our hearts and selves up to new relationships as a Polyamorous couple.

And some of those relationships did and will continue to involve children.

So just because we may not be bringing life into this world doesn’t mean we can’t offer our own light and contribution to a child. Because we totally can.

This is my vision. Both Nick and I actually. To cultivate relationships that allow us to connect with our partners’ children.

And what a beautiful life we have crafted that this possibility exists. For this I feel deep gratitude as I acknowledge the courage it takes to live a life uniquely and intimately my own.