I’ve been getting curious lately.
Curious about my needs. Curious about how others respond to them.
I tend to have very strong opinions about my needs.
I know what I want, what I need and if you wanted I could provide you with a flow chart explaining how to easily and effectively fulfill said needs.
Ok, I’ve never created a flow chart. Close, but not really.
I just don’t subscribe to the idea that someone I’m dating should read my mind and magically know what to give me every single moment. I’m more than happy to provide that information.
However once I’ve told you a few times then well, I expect you to nail it.
Because when it comes to that shit I tend to be an overachiever.
I’ll text you the morning of a big meeting to wish you luck or check in with you and offer herbal remedies if you’re feeling sick. It’s just my way.
I like to place intentions for those I love and send them on their way to kick ass or feel better.
But just because it’s my way doesn’t mean it’s everyone’s way. This is where it gets sticky.
Over the years I’ve developed the habit of setting very high standards for the people I date. Now this shit is necessary, there are a lot of people out there who aren’t worthy of my time, love and energy.
But it’s not just that. I tend to get very critical if someone doesn’t behave exactly like I want or need them to.
I take it as a personal attack against me. Like their actions are constantly revolving around me.
I still do this with my husband, Nick. It’s a dance we’ve been partners in for most of our 8 year relationship.
I also do it in my other Poly relationships. Boo doesn’t ask me how I’m feeling, then it’s because he doesn’t care and therefore this relationship is doomed.
I get very caught up in my own experience and the need to be treated right and well and fair.
There is this piece inside of me who is terrified of being taken advantage of. And she shows up as a tough, no-shit-taking bad ass.
As I write this I can see her. She’s 4-years old, wearing her favorite white long sleeved shirt that had this super cool, fancy bear who wore red sunglasses. When I wore this shirt I was invincible.
Only I wasn’t invincible. She got hurt quite a bit back then. Hence the need to not be taken advantage of.
And again, it’s important we are treated well but what I’ve been considering lately is actually getting curious about the other and why they may be responding towards me in a particular way.
Usually if I realize that they can’t meet my needs I end it. I don’t have time for that shit.
And trust me, in certain occasions that was a very good call.
But as I look back I see how I’ve never really tried to understand what the other needed or where they were coming from. If they couldn’t meet my needs then I was finished. I needed to feel safe in the relationship and this was how I achieved that.
But things are changing and as a result my grip is loosening.
Take my new boo for example, recently I found myself dropping the same demands as I have with countless new boos in the past. But this time felt different.
He speaks his truth and at times pushes back in a raw and simple way that leaves me wondering more about what I’m asking of him and the ways he relates to me.
Because of how communicative and self aware he is I find myself wanting to understand his point of view more and more.
I’m starting to consider why I have such a strong hold on my needs and what would happen if I let someone meet me where they are.
What would happen if I recognized that just because they aren’t checking every single box in the bible of Brittany’s needs that maybe that’s not as big of an offense as I’ve made it out to be in the past.
When I consider this option I can feel that piece of me raging. She has zero compassion. She’s all grit. And boy do I love her. She’s sassy AF and takes no shit. She wears red cowboy boots by the way.
But the question that arises in response to her is this…
Does being compassionate and a bit more understanding of another’s experience mean that I will be taken advantage of? What would happen if I simply loved?
There is a card in the Osho Zen Tarot deck called The Fool.
It’s about trusting even though we’ve been hurt in the past. About opening ourselves up to the experience with deep trust and honest love because we know that what is truly ours no one can ever take away.
My needs may not always be met with the exact words or the perfect emoji that I am expecting. And yes, I put a lot of weight on emojis. They speak volumes.
But I think that true vulnerability is deciding to love anyway. Because life isn’t perfect and people sure as hell aren’t either.
What it comes down to for me is trusting myself and loving myself enough to loosen my grip enough to get out of my head and bear witness to the person before me. With love.
We need this so much right now.
Think about how our political climate would shift if we could do that.
I think it’s a balance of having that bad ass grit but also a compassionate and loving heart.
And it’s not swinging from one extreme to the other like I tend to do but occupying both inside of ourselves in all moments.
I’m working on doing this more and more. It feels like a great place to begin.