It was two weeks ago on a Thursday night and I was sitting across from a first date as the rain pattered around us and made its way through the breaks in the black cloth awning.
I was feeling fierce as hell in my new high-waisted shorts that aggressively hugged my hips and a simple black bodysuit with a plunging neckline.
Our conversation flowed easily and effortlessly. He was interesting and interested and a really good listener. And let me tell you, that shit is rare these days.
So many people don’t drop in and really listen. They simply wait for their turn to speak. When that happens my heart sinks a little because I know that we will most likely not be having a second date.
But that wasn’t the case. I was in.
So once the rain started to pound a little harder and we didn’t feel like going inside the bar because one drink was all I wanted, we decided to hang out in my car and listen to music.
Ok let me just say, when I like someone this is totally my go to. I’m all like do you need a ride to your car? Or you wanna sit in my car and listen to some music??
What can I say, I like those moments of semi seclusion where we can share music and the conversation is a bit more intimate and our voices a bit lower and the space a bit darker.
Many of my favorite make out sessions have been in my car. I have the scuff marks on the ceiling of my old car to prove it.
And yes, I totally love the teenage make out in a car vibe.
But truth be told I never made out in a car as a teenage. I never had sex in a car either. I dated people older than me or with cool ass parents so we always had a couch or a bed.
So me and my first date sat in my car for over an hour and talked and listened to music and laughed.
And then of course, we kissed.
And this is where things got tricky.
Despite how much chemistry flowed between our conversations and how drawn I felt to him and how excited I was by him our kiss absolutely sucked.
I literally couldn’t figure out how he wanted to kiss me. I couldn’t find his tongue. I wasn’t even sure he wasn’t to use it. It was so off.
And let me just say I pride myself as a damn good kisser. At the same time I also realize that kissing is relative. Everyone has their own style and in this case our styles clearly didn’t match up.
So while I was completely baffled, I was still interested because one kiss is only one kiss. Ok there were more than one. So let’s just say one make out session.
I figured I’d give it another try and see what happens. I didn’t write him off as a bad kisser. I just became intrigued and curious on how he kissed.
But the next day when I tried to make another date he danced around the possibility.
Uh oh, I thought, I’m not the only one who was affected that that kiss. I mean how could I be??
So I let it slide and decided to be direct and check in a few days later. It was my week of completing and letting so I figured I might as well include this.
I wrote him a text and straight up let him know I was checking in to see if he was still interested because it felt like his interest had faded and it’s important to me to feel the enthusiasm from the people I date.
I was sure I’d never hear from him again.
But instead I received the most thoughtful let down I’ve ever gotten.
He validated my intuition, complimented me and he gracefully told me he was on the fence on whether or not a romantic relationship felt right to him and then he suggested friendship.
Now I do this shit all the time. I always let people know if I’m not feeling them. Even on dating apps. As kindly as possible of course.
But I don’t think I have ever had anyone ever tell me they weren’t feeling me after a few dates. They usually just ghost. This was so refreshing.
So of course I had to mention the kiss.
I simply said that while I had an amazing time with him and felt drawn to him I questioned if we had a physical connection since we were having troubling finding our groove kissing.
I talked about the elephant in the room!!! It was amazing.
We were both on the same page. We both had a good time but were confused as hell by that kiss. I was just willing to give it another shot.
So he started questioning his position. Like maybe he spoke too soon. Maybe it was this factor or that.
I stopped him. Maybe he just wasn’t into it. Into me. Maybe it was the kiss. I mean OK, it was the kiss. But maybe there were other factors too. Who knows.
Not everyone will be into me and my value isn’t tied up in that. In fact when we can be kind and generous in our honestly by letting someone down in a direct and loving way we are offering them such a gift.
And who knows if me and this dude will be friends. Probably not. I’m sure he was just being nice. The point is that we had an honest and frank and kind conversation and it was all good.
Again. REFRESHING.
When someone is afraid to let someone else down it seems like they are protecting the other’s feelings but that’s usually not true. They are protecting themselves. Because they are afraid of the other thinking they are an asshole. Truth.
Sometimes we will reject each other for all kinds of reasons.
Maybe someone won’t like your yoga class or art project or business thingy you spent 5 hours on. This doesn’t mean you aren’t an amazing bad ass talented beautiful soul both inside and out.
It simply meant that in that moment that person wasn’t feeling it. And how much are we going to let one person’s opinion of us matter?
Was there a piece of me that wondering if I dressed to hot or came on too strong or was too much? Yup. I wondered all of those things.
And then I thought fuck it. That’s me. Not everyone has to love me. But I love me. That’s all that matters.