Someone recently referred to my sex life as “complex and prolific.”
Hmmm. Interesting.
I could see why someone would think I am having a lot of sex or sexual partners.
I talk about sex about as much as a teenage boy thinks about it.
I post a lot of very provocative and sexy pics on Instagram.
And I’ve just began the process of becoming certified as an Authentic Tantra sex coach and sexologist.
Oh and I’m ethically nonmonogomous. That’s a big one.
That’s a lot of sex!
But it doesn’t mean that sex is translated into the physical experience of me having a shit ton of it.
I’m actually not.
In fact, besides my primary relationship, I’ve really had only one full blown sexual partner this year so far.
I did have a few other brief playful encounters but that’s about it.
I’d hardly call that prolific or complex.
And sure that could change. In fact I’m feeling a shift that could actually lead to a LOT more sex in the last few months of this year but as for now that’s just not my experience.
The first half of this year was about pulling back, feeling my feelings and healing.
Plus it takes me time to find people who I connect with because while I love sex and kink and play, it is never my main goal.
I need connection and intimacy (which is shared vulnerability) in order to foster a sexual experience with someone.
And hey that’s simply my way, I think there are lots of ways to engage sexually. Some are very different from mine.
But a lot of times we make assumptions about people based on what we see or hear.
This can be harmful. And not just for the person we are projecting on. In fact those projections don’t affect me at all. But when we project our own assumptions on someone else we also tend to internalize a piece of that within ourselves.
It’s so easy to compare our experience to someone else’s as a way of inflicting self judgement and the other bullshit the ego likes to wade in.
So let me set the record straight.
Just because I’m in an ethical nonmonogamous and polyamorous relationship doesn’t mean I have a plethora of sexual partners banging down my door.
Just because I’m a sexual being who loves kink and adventurous sexual exploration doesn’t mean I’m hanging from the rafters in a sexual frenzy.
Just because I express my sexuality and my body in ways that are provocative and sensual and raw doesn’t mean I am a having a ton of sex.
But even more importantly, just because I currently do not have a lot of sexual partners or even a lot of sex or kink doesn’t mean I am unfulfilled.
Because sex is more than an act. It’s an expression and experience of pleasure, connection, emotion, power and intimacy.
At least for me it is. And I can get all of these things in ways beyond kink and even sex.
And so can you.
That’s really why this is my topic this week. I don’t care if someone thinks I’m having a lot of awesome sex.
It’s more this idea that a healthy sex life and a life full of pleasure needs to look a particular way.
Sure I am eager to engage in kink and explore more but that will happen when it is meant to.
Orgasmic living is beyond our genitals my friends. It’s all around us. It’s inside of us. If we take a moment to get out of your heads and into our bodies we will feel that truth.
And to be clear there are moments when frustration kicks in because I do want to be engaging more sexually beyond my primary relationship especially since my primary partner has several lovely relationships.
But the more I come back to myself and the fact that I hold all a deep vessel for so much pleasure the more I see what is possible just within my own being.
We are often given so much damaging information around sex and sexual health and sexual exploration as children and teens, I know I was.
These past few years have been a slow and deliberate unlearning and deconditioning.
Because there is so much that is possible in our bodies and our sex lives and our lives.
It’s often an act of courage and rebellion to even scratch the surface.