The idea that we must only love one person romantically at a time is a concept deeply ingrained in our society, our brains and our cells.
It’s coupled with the idea that one person needs to fulfill all of our needs, our desires and our hobbies physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually.
And layered upon that is the notion that intimacy (and by intimacy I simply mean shared vulnerability and closeness) with anyone other than this one chosen romantic partner is wrong and a betrayal.
Wow. That’s a lot of fucking pressure to put on ourselves.
And even though I abandoned monogamy three years ago I still feel these rules permeating through my body and infiltrating my mind.
There are times when I feel the strangle hold of guilt wrapping it’s fingers around my belly informing me that I’m doing something wrong.
Only I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m just not doing what I’m told.
Woosh. That’s the sound of images of me as a Catholic school girl rushing into mind as I was bombarded with the should’s and shouldn’ts of what a “good girl” should be.
Those memories have roots. All the way down to my vagina.
They’ve affected my desires and my ability to simply be with them and accept what I want, what turns me on and even who I am attracted to.
As a result it took 37 years for me to truly connect and embrace my bisexuality.
And despite the fact that I have this fully consensual, wildly loving, orgasmic, fulfilling, grounded and so deeply supportive ethically nonmonooamous relationship with my husband there is still a piece of myself that feels deep shame and guilt for wanting to experience kink and sexual satisfaction elsewhere.
This was masked for a while in other relationships that induced such deep feelings it was hard to connect with anything else but now it’s all bubbling up to the surface in waves of truth.
And this is coming from someone who is in an open relationship where both of us communicative and supportive of each other’s journeys and other relationships.
I can only imagine what someone who is in a monogamous relationship feels like when these very natural feelings arise.
Oh wait I don’t have to imagine them. I used to feel that all the time.
Deep guilt. Crippling shame.
I felt these destructive emotions for finding another man attractive or having a stimulating conversation with someone or even feeling desired by someone else. None of this was acceptable.
Because for the most part none of this IS acceptable.
In fact there are deep and intimate and loving relationships that are not sexual but I would NEVER be having if I was in a monogamous relationship. That shit just isn’t acceptable.
And I would be missing out on a great amount of support and love as a result.
Why do so many couples in heterosexual relationships do this? Why is this a rule that forces so many people to keep only friendships with certain people while not even considering that a platonic relationship with someone you might be attracted to is totally possible?
But here’s thing I’m learning about shame and guilt…
Both have been planted in me for years and I simply gravitate towards experiences that allow me to torture myself with their intense and brutal feelings.
Well enough is enough.
I am SO grateful for this recent layer that surfaced informing me that I have more work to do on accepting who I am and what I want from my life.
Because it is MY life and I am worthy of living it in ways that bring me deep satisfaction and pleasure. We all are.
These layers that feel so uncomfortable when they rise from the muck are SO necessary for our healing and transformation. And even though our instinct when such big and disgusting feelings arise is to close immediately and let them get pushed back down the ability to actually FEEL them quite simply as they are, as we are, is the KEY to our healing.
So even though I want to distract myself from this tension in my throat, weight in my chest and feelings that make my want to crawl out of my skin, I’m going to take the biggest act of courage and rebellion and just sit with this.
Because this is an act of love and compassion I can give myself.
Just sitting. Just feelings. Just allowing.
2 comments
Well done! You are on the way to loving yourself despite what others think of you. Most people will not tolerate your candor. People are territorial. They feel threatened by others who dare to venture outside of widely accepted social norms.
Therefore you need to behave with diplomacy. Only among kindred spirits can you express yourself and your opinions.
CCC
Thank you, Brittany, for this statement. I myself consider myself non-monogamous, and I love several women, but I have my guilt trips also. It’s in our culture to have them, and we have to work to unlearn them. I thank you for your work, and I’ll do my own part.
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