I Didn’t Realize I’d Never Been Cut This Deep

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Back in August I got the worse cut I ever had. It happened so fast I didn’t even realize it.

I was cleaning my kitchen and my hand swiped a piece of jagged ceramic and the next thing I knew bright red blood was pouring into the my aluminum sink.

The funny thing is I didn’t even feel any pain. I could see that I had been deeply cut but I didn’t actually feel it. Not at first that is.

But that didn’t stop it from bleeding. It was close to my knuckle down low on my thumb so it kept opening and bleeding. It took three days before it finally stopped.

And here we are two months later and I can still feel it healing.

At first I thought that once it closed up nicely and the pain subsided that it would be better in no time. Just like any of the cuts I’ve gotten over the years.

But this one is different. Only a few weeks ago my entire hand and half of my arm started to hurt as a result of the healing and the way I kept twitching it in response.

And now there is a plump pink scar that will probably always be there to some extent.

I never realized how long some cuts take to heal since I’ve never had one that journeyed deep below the surface. I never realized how much a cut can change the piece of me it wounded.

All this to say…

You had to know this was a big ass metaphor…

I just realized this very morning how profoundly my breakup last year changed me.

I mean of course it did. How could it have not. It was the most painful, heart-wrenching, grief inducing breakup (and if I’m being honest, experiences) I’ve ever had.

That breakup left me without the ability to cope. Not for long but it certainly did for a few terrifying moments.

I can still see myself sitting at the very desk I am writing this from now with hollowed yet swollen eyes, a blank mouth and a distant gaze as I simply stared out into space feeling like I didn’t know how to handle these excruciating feelings.

Even though I’m hesitant to admit it, that breakup was a trauma. It was a “distressing or disturbing experience” that left me without the ability to cope.

To admit this fills me with shame. It’s hard to accept that something as ordinary as a breakup caused that much pain and is STILL affecting me.

I mean there are people all over the world suffering way more than me and my measly breakup.

It feels dramatic and like I’m falling into a well of victimhood.

But it also feels true. Because it is true.

I’d never really suffered from a breakup in the past or even much loss at all if I’m being honest.

My breakups had always run their course by the time the inevitable moment to actually say goodbye announced itself.

I was always over it way before.

This one shook me to my core but the amount of healing and transformation that followed has been both wildly humbling while incredibly inspiring.

So yes, no shit, I have change.

But what I wasn’t connecting with is how it has affected my ability to show up in new relationships.

I’m way more protective, quick to judge, faster to end things and ready to pick out all the flaws. I’d rather not waste my time on something that doesn’t feel like it could work.

Because in reality I subconsciously thought that I could micromanage a situation to protect myself from having my heart shattered again.

Of course I can’t do that. No one can.

And yes, some of the relationships I closed before they really had a chance to open were for the best but still the way I show up is so different.

Less carefree. More guarded. Less playful. More restricted.

But also more rooted in my ability to honor my needs and stand in my own sovereignty.

I’ve known this to an extent but the awareness has deepened and made itself known on a more visceral level.

That’s the thing about awareness, it very rarely hits us all at once. Instead it tends to seep out in the corners of our consciousness when we are actually ready to receive it.

But there’s something else too…

This time last year I was a wreck- lethargic, devoid of joy on most days, uncomfortable with tears leaking from my eyes on a mostly daily basis.

And now all of that has shifted. In fact I’ve never been more in love with my primary partner, I feel so very fulfilled by my work and I’ve been enjoying forming new friendships and growing old ones.

Life is sweet, truly.

Because yes, we do change. Life will tear at our flesh and wreak havoc on our hearts until our metamorphosis is complete. And this will affect us more than we may expect.

But we are brilliant resilient creatures who can be put back together in ways better than before. We can heal. We can grow. We can learn.

If you ask me, that makes us all pretty damn special.

As for our scars, we are taught that scars aren’t beautiful but deep down we know better. It is our scars that signify our ability to heal and nothing is more beautiful than that.