This is a story about two men. They’re names are Jay and Don.
When I met Jay he was wearing a simple white v-neck tee, medium-washed jeans and a smile that let me know he was paying attention to every single word I was saying.
His hair was shaved closed to his head which made it fun to rub. Jay was gorgeous. And charismatic. And did I mention gorgeous? Thinking of him right now send tingles through my body and puts a smile on my face.
Then there was Don.
I don’t remember as much about Don. At least not what he looked like. He was cute and put together and charming and solid. He worked for a publishing firm and his success dripped off of him in a way that let me know he earned it as opposed to expected it.
Don listened. Not because he wanted something from me but because he was deeply interested. He knew every person had a story and it delighted and ignited him to discover what they were. Hence the publishing career.
Now might be a good time to tell you that Jay and Don don’t exist.
At least not outside the manicured landscape of my dreams-both sleeping and lucid. Yet at the same time this statement feels false because I can still feel their presence moving through me even though it’s been over three years since I met them.
They came to me in a dream.
I was vacationing in a beach town for the week (can’t remember which one) and met them at a bonfire by the ocean- kind of like the one in the first Karate Kid minus the motorcycles and bullying.
With Jay the connection was instant. Electric. Palpable. I still get turned on when I think about him. The way he looked at me like he knew exactly who I was, what I wanted and how to pleasure me in every way possible.
With Don is was more pragmatic. I was writing a book at the time and he was in publishing.
We both loved to read and write and spent the first few hours of our encounter talking about our favorite books, his publishing career and my writing.
I remember in this dream that Jay and Don were friends.
They both wanted me. I both wanted them. We all knew this was a fact and get this, it was all ok.
And not in that frat boy gross hey man let’s have a threesome together kind of way.
Jay and Don were both confident, mature, sexy men who weren’t threatened by each other and enjoyed the fact that I was into the both of them. It was never an issue.
It is about that time that I woke up from this dream feeling equal parts mesmerized, curious and turned on.
But it didn’t stop there. I kept the dream going. For the next few days. It flowed from my mind with an effortless grace that gave me the confidence to keep it going.
So I watched the story unfold before me first while I lay awake in bed and then when I was getting ready for my day, and then while I was driving in to teach my yoga classes. The dream just kept going.
In the dream I spent hours flirting and laughing and having deep and valuable conversations with these beautiful, conscious men. I felt so seen and heard and respected and appreciated by the both of them.
Then came my first sexual encounter with Jay. It happened while I was driving home after my last yoga class of the night.
It was a Wednesday. The songs You by Lloyd and then Talk Is Cheap by Chet Faker were playing in my car.
We were at another party on the beach. Those songs were playing and our bodies were moving seductively around each other, into each other, across each other. It was the most sensual moment I had ever experienced in my life (I’ve had many real life ones since but that was the beginning).
As I drove home I watched the scene play out in my mind as Jay and I, temped, tasted and finally devoured each other. For hours.
In reality it was only a 30-minute car ride but it felt much longer. I was submerged in this world and when I arrived home I finally shared both the passion and the story with my then partner (now husband).
Needless to say it was ridiculously hot.
The dream continued for a few more days and included Don getting me a meeting with his publishers, him and I have a lovely first date, Jay and I falling madly in love in a matter of days and me feeling so deeply fulfilled.
And then it was complete. The energy ran out and the story was over.
But what remained was the most valuable piece of all.
These men and this dream gave me a way to connect with and talk about the concept of being ethically non-monogamous in an even more tangible way than I had already been.
Up until that point I still had buckets of shame and fear around even being attracted to another man (and don’t even get me started on how buried my attraction to women was).
When I was 21-years old I dated a man who was so paranoid, insecure and controlling that not only did I get “in trouble” when I even glanced at an another person, I was tormented when it became clear that someone was attracted to me, which at that point in my life was often.
Yet at the same time this was the guy who when we were first dating procured numbers from 3 various ladies in one night while I sat there and watched.
Clearly I should have believed him when he showed me who he was but unfortunately I didn’t have the fortitude at the ripe age of 21.
That controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive relationship became a stain on my psyche that conditioned me to “behave” in the way I was taught all those years before.
Slowly I had begun to dismantle these harmful ideas of what a healthy and loving relationship looked like.
My husband was a big part of that. He always held space for my feelings and desires, even if they were for other people. They never intimidated him or made him feel insecure or if they did he handled them with grace.
But also Jay and Don were a part of this too. These two men, who came to me in a dream, offered me a visceral experience of what it felt like to engage in a way of being that was, at the time, entirely different from anything I’ve ever experienced before.
This was a way for me to process these big feelings while still feeling safe and secure.
Wow. Our minds are pretty incredible.
We are programmed and conditioned and constrained but still there are ways we can break through to access our undeniable truths.
Shortly after my encounter with Jay and Don, Nick and I opened our relationship.
Little did I know how many more layers of shame I would need to slough off my skin but I can confidently say that if it wasn’t for that magical experience I may have never found my way to my truth.
Although that’s not entirely true. Because my truth was already there, just waiting to be discovered. So it is more accurate to say that my truth found the most effective way to make itself known.
It was through two men who never actually existed. At least not in this space and time. But still they were very much alive.