What I Love the Most About Polyamory

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I remember this one time about 6 years ago when Nick and I were in Costa Rica walking on the beach and he was ahead of me in his own world enjoying the moment and I got very upset with him.

I remember telling him it felt like we weren’t “together.” Like he wasn’t “with me.”

This of course is because my concept of a thriving relationship was much different than it is now.

Back then I thought that in order to be in relationship with someone it meant physically being with them in all the ways that is possible. I thought it meant being so intertwined with them that we think alike and share the same interests and always want to be around each other. ALL OF THE TIME.

I thought it meant walking on the beach side by side together. Always.

Because literally isn’t that one of the oldest relationship cliches on the planet- I’m looking for long walks on the beach. I’m pretty sure they meant side by side.

But Nick was never the type of partner who needed to be attached to my hip. Nick has always felt connected to me even if I wasn’t right in front of him. I was always in his heart. That’s what mattered.

He’d been the perfect candidate for polyamory even before we knew what it was.

For me it was different. For me I wanted to entangle myself in someone so deeply it became hard to see where I ended and they began.

So clearly whenever I would get in a relationship I would let myself get lost in the tangle of emotions, passion and excitement.

And then I would actually lose myself. The strong and independent me I knew would vanish and in her place was a version of myself who was needy, insecure and more than happy to spend most of my time and energy with the one I loved.

I remember when I was in my twenties in a relationship with a really supportive partner, I would become passive aggressive when he’d want to go out and play poker with his friends. But in the back of my mind I would be saying, Wait! You don’t actually mind if he goes out with his friends. Remember? You just want some time to yourself.

I see this happen now when Nick spends the night at his partner’s place too. Only now I’m able to acknowledge what is going on, express my feelings and ask for whatever needs I may have.

I’m able to connect with the piece of my trauma that is rooted in abandonment and know that I need to give my inner child who holds this some love.

And I now remember that I absolutely LOVE my alone time.

Now that I’ve been really working on healing these wounds I take my free time with absolute joy and excitement. So much so that I find myself craving it now.

I go to yoga, I work out, I take myself out on a solo date, I do my homework, I work on my business, I do a tantra healing session.

On those days I don’t have to make meals for anyone but myself. I don’t have to consider anyone else’s schedule. It’s literally just about ME.

In the past that was scary. Being that independent but now I am so very grateful to have these sweet moments to be with myself without any distractions.

Freedom. Sovereignty. Autonomy. THIS is what I love the most about Polyamory.

There are so many pieces of my life that are possible because through our choice to foster this relationship model we are continuously shedding the conditioning of monogamy and the ways a monogamous mindset can be oppressive and keep us stuck in ways of relating that are no longer in alignment.

Like the fact that week after week I talk about my life and my sexuality so personally. Or how I’ve decided to use my Instagram platform to promote sex positive and body positive messaging through photos of me often in my underwear or ever less.

Or the fact that this weekend I did a photo shoot with two men I have in the past been intimate with. While the shoot was SO intimate. It was not sexual. They simply held space for me to be in my sensuality and my power. More on that very soon…

The point is that if my relationship were monogamous there is a strong chance most of the above would feel unacceptable to me even though none of these possibilities have anything to do with sex or being in relationship with another person.

For me Polyamory is about freedom. And I feel that more now than ever before.

Often times I will talk about my experiences like I’m single. Like now I would say “I’m not dating. I’m solo.” And I would feel guilty about this because of course that’s not entirely true. I’m in a committed relationship with life partner Nick.

But I recently came to understand that there are moments that I FEEL solo. In the best possible way.

My relationship and the way we both show up in it allows me to feel the freedom and autonomy of being single with the deep support, love and joy of being in a relationship. So in other words, I’ve managed to find a way to extract what for me are the absolute BEST qualities of both.

THIS. This is what I love about polyamory!!!

But I want to note something very important here. You don’t have to be in an ethically non monogamous relationship to adopt a polyamorous mindset. You can still choose to shed the oppressive pieces of monogamy while choosing to be in a romantic relationship with one person.

At it’s root polyamory isn’t about loving more than one person romantically. For me it’s about having the freedom to choose how I want to show up in relationship every step of the way.

It’s about listening and communicating and being so present. It’s about having the space to still grow and nurture the most important relationship I will ever have- my relationship with myself.

This is a relationship model that works for everyone. No matter how many people you choose to love.