A few weeks ago I was feeling envious. Of my partner.
And to be clear it wasn’t jealousy.
I’d say one of the more popular responses when people with a monogamous relationship model consider an ethically non monogamous relationship model is I could never do that. I would get too jealous.
Often times ENM and Polyamory are often considered jealousy making machines. And really when you consider the definition of jealousy it makes sense.
According to Psychology Today, Jealousy occurs when something we already possess (usually a special relationship) is threatened by a third person.
Now of course I’ll push back and say that we never actually possess or belong to anyone. THIS is one of my biggest issues with traditional monogamy. The concept of ownership that often comes up it.
But yes, when we perceive that we “possess” our partner than the idea of someone else also possessing them would definitely be grounds for jealousy.
But these days I rarely feel jealous in my primary relationship (my additional relationships are a different story but that’s a whole other blog post).
While I know my primary partner likes and loves others, our relationship is so steady and strong and loving. That’s a foundation I can happily plant both of my feet on.
So no, I wasn’t feeling jealous. But I wasn’t feeling envious.
This emotions arises when we want what someone else has because we don’t have it.
That is definitely what I was experiencing…
Right now my primary partner, Nick, has several thriving additional polyamorous and ENM relationships with women who are delightful and beautiful and skilled and funny and thoughtful.
His relationships are filled with love and respect and joy and intimacy. He’s grounded and focused and our relationship is thriving as well. It’s pretty remarkable.
And I’ve been here to bear witness to his growth and trajectory over the past 3.5 years as he did his work and called in relationships that were truly in alignment with him and his worth.
This is where I thrive in Polyamory. I am overjoyed for my partner and his beautiful life. And I’m so grateful that I’m such a big part of it.
But I want what he has.
And sometimes, when I’m in a particularly vulnerable moment, (like I’ve been recently because I’m currently in a tantra sex coaching program that is challenging me in ALL the ways) witnessing his thriving relationships shines a light on my lack of additional thriving relationships. Like zero.
So I started feeling sorry for myself.
I felt the envy. I waded in it for a few weeks. I told my therapist about it to which he asked, so where’s the problem?
Then I realized something…
I don’t actually want a bunch of new relationships right now. I want them eventually. But not right now.
So if I’m actually being present with myself then the envy begins to shift.
Because what I want right now (and those two words are important here) is to be doing exactly what I’m doing- exploring, healing, learning, growing, taking a lot of solo time and time with my partner.
And when I really thought about I remembered that I don’t actually have time for all of that right now. My focus is elsewhere. My focus is more on myself and my new career path right now.
So then I was like Oh shit, I’m actually getting what I want!
So now I can acknowledge what he has in a different way. Instead of feeling envious I feel inspired. I feel empowered by his life and his relationships. It’s truly a beautiful thing
But this couldn’t have happened if I didn’t feel and acknowledge the envy.
I felt it. Then I got present and it actually shifted. Because I realized that if I actually wanted those things I would be moving towards them.
I would be on dating apps. I would be going on dates and meeting new people. I don’t want to do any of those things right now.
And even if I did meet a new person right now, I wouldn’t have the time or energy for them and what would most likely happen is they would wind up distracting the shit out of me.
So good work Universe. Thanks you for listening to my truth and not my bullshit.
So the next time you are feeling envious (different from jealous) about someone, like say when you’re scrolling your Instagram for example, check in with yourself. Do you REALLY want what they have RIGHT NOW? What about your life is actually exactly what you want it to be? What do you actually have the time and space and energy for?
And if you find that you actually do want those things then where can you create more time and space and energy?
In other words, turn in, get present and see what’s what. You’ll always be better served when you start there.