I used to think I sucked at polyamory. I’ve literally written posts talking about this very concern.
It just didn’t come easily to me and I found myself anxious and triggered in most of my relationships outside of the one with my anchor partner.
I struggled. I suffered. I kept attracting people who I’d get so tangled with and as much as we tried, we weren’t able to work it out. They’d shut down or feel overwhelmed and I’d feel unsafe and anxious.
Or sometimes things would feel chill and promising and then it would end.
This happened over and over again.
And while not all relationships need to be long lasting and can take many shapes, I really just wanted to be able to land and experience polyamory in a more balanced, relaxed and easeful way.
I know now that a good deal of that had to do with having an anxious attachment style and often attracting avoidant types, information that I’ve found VERY helpful in transforming these types of relationships.
But that’s finally changing. Things feel more grounded and more balanced. I feel deeply fulfilled and very content.
I’m letting there be space and breath in my relationships. I don’t feel the need for control as much. I’m able to bear witness to my feelings without letting them consume me.
So what’s changed? Me. My relationship with myself. A relationship I’ve been working on for years but more recently some big pieces have clicked into place.
I’ve been doing my work in my relationships, yes but also outside of them.
Our relationships are such a powerful school in which to learn, heal and grow but we must not only do the work in those relationships but also use them as the mirrors they are to see, hear and experience ourselves as honestly as possible.
This is how our relationships can help us to heal, no matter what relationship style we choose.
When we get stuck on the details of any argument or struggle with a partner it can take us further away from what is at the root of whatever it is that’s got us so worked up.
Instead, connecting with our feelings in that moment and letting them lead the way to our unmet needs can be a really powerful practice.
It’s easy to get caught up in our relationships and put all the emphasis on what’s going on within those boundaries but it can be very helpful to recognize that most of what we struggle with actually has little to do with our partners and way more to do with our relationship with ourselves.
The more and more I (and my partners) came to terms with this the easier things became.
And there is a part of me (the superstitious part) who feels nervous talking about my recent thriving in my relationships (and life in general) but that’s really just fear.
What I know today is that in this moment I feel grateful of this 5 year journey that has lead me to this point of contentment and arrival.
And yes I’m sure there will be more struggles and I will feel challenged and perhaps uncomfortable because healing isn’t linear.
We don’t get to a point where we sign the slip and move on free and clear. That’s not what it means to be healed. Healing is an ongoing process. Our shit may still be there, those voices may still exist but it becomes our choice whether or not we chose to entertain them.
I do that a lot less these day and shit feels way lighter.
Wherever you are in your relationships and your healing journey be sure to give yourself space to acknowledge those moments of ease and change in the midst of the struggles.
If we only focus on what we wish were different we might just miss out on what is already working.