I wasn’t as Confident as I Look in this Picture

Saturday was an EPIC Day. I felt so in my power for most of the day.

I taught a workshop at this Philly yoga festival called Namas Day. I lead over 100 people through some of my deepest and most powerful work.

I pushed people to their edge and slightly beyond.

They laughed. They cried. They felt wildly uncomfortable at times.

Afterwards so many new students I have never met before came up to me and hugged me like I was their sister.

When they pulled away and looked me in the eye I could see their gratitude. I could feel that their “thank you” was more than just a regular “hey nice class, thanks for that.”

Needless to say I felt amazing after the class.

I felt on purpose. In my power. Connected. Tapped in. Super confident.

Without anyone even telling me I taught an amazing class I knew I had done just that.

Funny thing about confidence. It comes and goes. Especially when it is wrapped around the ego.

After class I walked down the street to pay my parking ticket and ran into the photographer covering the event.

He pointed to the street that was temporarily shut down due to a protest about to happen. He raised his eyebrows as a mischievous smile decorated his face.

A few minutes later my boots where off and I was striking a pose in the middle of the street.

And here’s where things got interesting. In my head that is.

I started with a handstand. Why?? Because I thought it would look cool in the middle of the street. Thing is, I can’t balance for long in the middle of room. I fall out.

This has always been something I have been cool with. I don’t need to be the kind of yoga teacher that can hold a handstand despite the fact I’ve been teaching yoga for 14 years.

If I wanted to be that kind of teacher, I would be. I would practice until it happened. It would simply take time and energy.

Instead I’m the kind of teacher who has chosen to focus on the energetic and emotional pieces of the practice. Not to say you can’t have both. You totally can.

But my way has always been about exploring my inner psyche. Stepping into the fire. Getting real and raw about my shit and using my yoga practice to do that for myself and my students.

But there I was in the middle of the street trying to look like I was the kind of teacher that could rock out a handstand (insert eye roll here).

And Joe (the photographer) patiently waited for me to get my shit together. He kept telling me I needed to tip my body a bit more forward. I was thinking can’t you just catch me in midair? Close enough right?

Eventually I moved on. I focused on my wheel house of poses and the one you see here came out. And it looks beautiful. And strong and powerful. It looks like me.

But while I was posing for this pic I was totally in my head. Here are a few things that were bopping around:

I’m sure he wishes he would have ran into a yoga teacher that can hold a freakin’ handstand in the middle of the room. 

I’m totally disappointing him right now. 

This pose is so boring. 

What a bummer. 

I suck. 

This is the same magnificent woman who just had over 100 yogis put their trust in her as she guided them into a place of deep discomfort and deep transformation.

This is the same woman who loves her body, who speaks her truth, and is pretty confident as hell.

Yet, in that moment, I wasn’t. In that moment my ego got the best of me.

And let me just say that the photographer in no way led me to believe he felt any of this. It was 100% in my own head.

Did I let it ruin my day? Hell no. I saw it and moved on.

But I’m sharing this with you because it is SO important to realize that EVERYONE feels insecure from time to time.

Everyone’s shit comes up. Even in areas where you think it never would.

And it’s totally ok. I welcome it. I don’t cling to it. I learn from it.

If we let the lies get us down we will become them. 

We have a choice.

We can see the truth or believe the lie.

Sometimes I believe the lie. (In fact as I write this I’m realizing that there is another bullshit lie I am letting myself believe.)

But never for too long. Truth is bright. It rises from within. It lights the way.

So take a moment and consider where in your life might you be believing a lie. You may even be able to make a really good case for it. Talk yourself into believing it.

It’s time to call yourself out.

It’s time to set yourself free.

It’s time to live in your truth.

Our truth.

Oh and the next time you see a yogi in a bad ass yoga pose, just remember, you may not know what is going on in their mind…